Being Single

When I’m having a chill Sunday at home/hungover, lying in bed, suddenly the loneliness hits like a tonne of bricks, just as anxiety would. I think about who could lying next to me. I think about how nice it would be. I think about what’s wrong with me. But then I remind myself that one day, that spot will be filled by someone whom adores me and I adore them. Sometimes I cry. Sometimes I imagine. Sometimes I motivate myself to get out of bed and push myself to do something great with the day.

I have been single for a while. Most of my friends  in loving relationships and that’s okay of course, can just be hard at times. I feel my friends can get jealous/annoyed when I am around their boyfriends. I feel watched, when I’m literally just having a conversation, in your immediate vision. That’s probably something I create for myself but that’s how I feel and feel I often have to justify that. But then again, you should feel like that about someone you love. But then also I get jealous of them. Such a fun cycle.

There is a freedom to being single. Change around plans. Take some ‘me’ time for myself whenever I need. When there are things I just want to do on my own. It’ll come in handy when I want to travel.

Times for me which the loneliness hits the most. The weekends, coming home on my own after a night out, when I can’t find someone to come with me to something, when watching romantic movies (obviously), making my way home from work when I could be speaking to him about his day or arrangements for the evening. When I see my friend’s messaging boyfriend’s.

Accepting being single is a process for me. It goes in conjunction with loving myself which I completely do not. This goes along with the cliche which you cannot love someone else until you love yourself which I agree with. There are moments of confidence and moments of doubt, as there is in any process. Being single reminds me that there are things I need to accept about myself, love myself and learn to utilise and appreciate the freedom I have.

For anyone that knows me I love, love. The idea, the feeling, the chase. I love to read about it, watch films, the standard. I just have always had a desire to find that feeling with someone, which can always blind me from the truth.

From this moment on, I will create my own joy, happiness and adventure I can create on my own. Make an effort for my happiness. Make ‘me’ plans. Not get so jealous when I walk past couples. I’m sure they have gone through as what I am now. I will be happy for them.

This is where I am suppose to be. This is my experience and adventure to create and go through.

The right person is out there right now looking for me. He will come into my life when he’s supposed to.

This post is to express my feelings about being single and not put down anyone in a relationship. I am happy for everyone in love. This is just to shed light on my own honest thoughts on what it feels like for me to be single.